FADE IN:

CRYSTAL

Hi—how are ya?! Good! This is Crystal, your effusive and ridiculously friendly hostess, with THE CATHOLIC PERSPECTIVE! The only show that gives you the TRUE Catholic perspective on hot, contemporary issues from the afterlife to pattern baldness—and everything in between! Are you excited? I'm excited! Let's have a look at our panel of experts!

Our first guest is Ms. Perpetua Kersnippitee, longtime resident of Hell, Pennsylvania. Yes, I guess that's an actual town!

PERPETUA glares at CRYSTAL.

CRYSTAL

Perpetua is an active member of her parish. She has spearheaded numerous community projects, including the annual Over Fifty Singles Mingle, a weekly seminar entitled "Getting What You Want Out of Scripture," and various instructional leaflets such as, "Why Purgatory Doesn't Apply to You." She is also the head of the local Committee for Integrating Doggies into the Faith Community.

PERPETUA

Don't forget about the Disco Mass, dearie.

CRYSTAL

Yes, Perpetua's liturgical reforms have been persistently innovative. Not only has she revitalized the musical outlook of her services, she has led the way in reconstructing her sanctuary. Their crucifix has finally been replaced by the more inviting presence of a five-foot paper-mache monarch butterfly.

PERPETUA

Made from candy wrappers. And those wrappers were donated by children from all over the world. Isn't that beautiful?

SUSAN gasps.

PERPETUA

What?

SUSAN

Sounds like you have some generous youngsters there.

PERPETUA

Yes.

CRYSTAL

Our next guest is Mr. Rocque Bailey.

The camera goes to SUSAN, who looks confused. Then it pans right to an empty chair. Pans left to SUSAN, who shrugs, then pans right again to show ROCQUE sitting in the chair and bending over his shoes. ROCQUE sits up.

ROCQUE

Sorry! Sorry. Sorry, I was tying my shoe.

CRYSTAL

Yes, of course.

ROCQUE

Nothing worse than an untied shoe. You know what I mean?

CRYSTAL

Yes—

ROCQUE

I don't want to trip during the commercials. That—would be bad.

CRYSTAL

Yes, Mr. Bailey—

ROCQUE

Rocque! With a "Q". Thanks.

CRYSTAL

Smiles at the camera and pauses to control her irritation.

Rocque hails from Kent, England, where he is currently involved in an evangelistic outreach to the Anglicans.

ROCQUE

Damn idiots.

CRYSTAL

His numerous tracts include, "You're Lucky I Love You Enough to Tell You You're Dead Wrong," "Anglicanism is Stupid," and "What the Hell Happened to Hell?"

PERPETUA

It's a lovely town.

ROCQUE

What?

CRYSTAL

Thank you so much, Perpetua and Rocque with a Q. Now that we've met the stars, let's begin with our first mindbending question.

SUSAN

Uh, excuse me.

ALL regard SUSAN with disdain.

SUSAN

Did you, uh, forget me, I think, maybe?

CRYSTAL

Stunned TV smile, then checks her cue cards.

OH…of course, yes, this is Susan Morgan. She is a…theology major…from…the Franciscan University of Steubenville.

ROCQUE and SUSAN groan.

PERPETUA

Another conservative bigot.

ROCQUE

Damn warm fuzzy liberal.

SUSAN is mortified.

CRYSTAL

Yes, we're all just one big happy church! And now it's time to show you that it really is FUN to be Catholic! Our first caller, in fact, is a high school student who hails from…uh…"near some town in Kansas", he's not sure which…and he wants to know just what is FUN about being Catholic. Hello, Eustace?

EUSTACE (v.o.)

Yeah, uh, this is Eustace, and like, there's not a whole lot to do around here…in the fields…they're just pretty much your standard fields…yeah…and, uh, I was just sort of wondering if it's fun to be Catholic…cause there's not a whole lot to do around here…in the fields…

CRYSTAL

Right, thanks, Eustace! Perpetua, let's hear your take on it. What's FUN about being Catholic?

PERPETUA

FUN? Crystal, "fun" is a term which needs to be understood in its proper context. I think there's a very strong and damaging tendency in today's Church to interpret "fun" in a very strongly pre-Vatican II way. A fun which is really just disguised fear—blind submission to a very anti-fun celibate patriarchy.

ROCQUE

What the—are you a liberal?

PERPETUA

I'm a cheerful dissenter.

ROCQUE

ROCQUE stands and points.

That's a yes! THAT is a yes!

CRYSTAL

Please, Rocque—with a Q—

ROCQUE

What is she doing on this show? I thought this was the Catholic perspective!

PERPETUA

And I suppose you are the archetype of Catholicism?

ROCQUE

Well, yes!

There is an uncomfortable pause.

CRYSTAL

Rocque, why don't you sit down—and share your perspective on fun!

ROCQUE

ROCQUE sits.

It's fun to be right. All the time. It's beautiful.

PERPETUA

Then you must have a very boring life.

ROCQUE

Actually, it's one big PARTY!

CRYSTAL

Susan, do you have anything you'd like to add?

SUSAN

Me? Uh…well…uhhhh…would you say being in love is "fun"?

PERPETUA

Being in love?

ROCQUE

Depends on the person.

CRYSTAL

I'm sorry, Susan, I think we were talking about being Catholic.

SUSAN

Right—well, see, I just kind of think the main thing about being Catholic is…um…being in love with Christ.

ROCQUE and SUSAN gasp.

PERPETUA

Are you sure you're a real theology major?

ROCQUE

Liberal.

CRYSTAL

Maybe it's time for our next question! This is Smerdyakov, from Palm Beach, Florida, and he's got a question about Church history. Smerdyakov?

SMERDYAKOV (v.o.)

Yes, this is Smerdyakov from Palm Beach, Florida.

CRYSTAL

I just said that!

SMERDYAKOV (v.o.)

Yes.

There is a lengthy pause.

CRYSTAL

Smerdyakov?

SMERDYAKOV (v.o.)

Yes, it is still me. I am here. In Palm Beach, Florida.

ROCQUE

Idiot. What's your question?

SMERDYAKOV (v.o.)

How many supreme pontiffs have you had?

PERPETUA

Is that including Pope Joan?

ROCQUE

How many? Look it up! This is national television! Any encyclopedia will have them all listed. What? Can't you count?

SMERDYAKOV

I am in Palm Beach, Florida.

ROCQUE, SUSAN, and PERPETUA groan.

[Note: This piece was produced during the aftermath of the 2000 presidential election.]

SMERDYAKOV

We tried to count popes in book already, but there are so many, it is too much. Someone here counted up to three-thousand, five-hundred eighty-seven and one third. But he was in hurry to get back to work counting—how you say it—secret bullets.

CRYSTAL

I think he meant secret ballots.

ROCQUE

I'm not so sure!

SUSAN

Actually, um, Smerdyakov, Pope John Paul II is the two hundred and sixty-fourth pope.

ROCQUE

How do you know that?

PERPETUA

WHY do you know that?

SUSAN

Well, he's the pope, you know. Got that whole Holy Spirit thing going on.

PERPETUA

Next you're going to be saying he's infallible!

SUSAN

Uh…

PERPETUA

What?

SUSAN

He kind of is.

PERPETUA

Küng preserve us!

ROCQUE

Damn straight he's infallible!

SUSAN

Oh no.

PERPETUA

So if the pope says it will rain tomorrow, it rains?

SUSAN

No!

ROCQUE

Absolutely!

SUSAN

What?

ROCQUE

How hard is this concept? He's infallible! IN–FALL–I–BLE! He's ALWAYS right!

PERPETUA

Even about the weather?

ROCQUE

When is the last time he said it would rain? YOU TELL ME THAT!

PERPETUA

Then why doesn't he play the stock market and solve Third World debt?

ROCQUE

Obviously, that would be cheating. I hate to break it to you, but popes are not cheaters. They're…popes.

PERPETUA

I think it's because the Church has no social conscience.

SUSAN

I think it's because HE CAN'T DO THAT!

ROCQUE

Susan! I thought you were on my side! The RIGHT side.

SUSAN

He's only infallible when he talks about faith and morals. He doesn't KNOW EVERYTHING!

ROCQUE

My dear woman, you are sadly misinformed. Lucky for you and the rest of this blind world, there's now a place where you can know where the Catholic Church really stands. www.this-is-what-the-pope-said-yesterday.com. It's updated weekly, and it has EVERYTHING the pope says on EVERYTHING. For instance—elbows OFF the table, young lady! As of last Wednesday that's a sin.

SUSAN

You're kidding, right?

PERPETUA

No, he's conservative.

ROCQUE

I'm a cheerful DEFENDER of the TRUTH!

CRYSTAL

Well, Smerdyakov, thanks for the call! Thanks to that illuminating digression, it looks like we only have time for a couple more calls. We have a special caller here, Miss YUKON of 1983. Hello, Miss Yukon?

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

Hi! Hello all you beautiful, beautiful people!

CRYSTAL

Old flirt. Can't stand insincerity. What's your question, lady?

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

My question? Oh yes. A few of my Protestant friends and I have gotten into some really really REALLY hard-core type discussions lately. They've come at me with all kinds of Scripture quotations and all, and I want to defend the Catholic position, but I don't think I know what it is.

ROCQUE

That could be a problem, couldn't it?

PERPETUA

Another helpless dogmatist.

CRYSTAL

Well, you've come to the right place, Miss Saskatchewan. What's your question?

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

Okay, okay, here it is…this is so embarrassing…what is the REAL Church teaching here…if we have to choose…what's the Catholic choice…whole, skim, or two percent?

Dumbfounded silence.

SUSAN

You mean—milk?

PERPETUA

No, she means how much of the church the hierarchy should listen to.

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

No, I mean milk.

PERPETUA

PERPETUA clutches her head.

I kneeeeew that…

ROCQUE

I don't know, miss. I'll check that website.

SUSAN

THAT WEBSITE IS A BIG HOAX!!

ROCQUE

You're just jealous.

SUSAN

Of WHAT!?

ROCQUE

You don't even know. That's the worst part, isn't it?

CRYSTAL

All of a sudden, WE seem to be running out of time here. Looks like we only have time for one more caller. Hello?

MR. K (v.o.)

MR. K has a grating, rather scary voice.

Yeah.

CRYSTAL

Who's this?

MR. K (v.o.)

This?

CRYSTAL

Yes.

MR. K. (v.o.)

This. THIS is the caller from hell.

CRYSTAL

Oh dear.

PERPETUA

Honey? Honey, I'm on television! I'm busy!

MR. K (v.o.)

Yeah, sweetiekins, but this is the number you said to call if anything came up. And something did. Someone. Your mother's here.

PERPETUA

Can you just wait FIVE MORE MINUTES?

MR. K (v.o.)

But she's scaring me again.

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

You all still didn't answer my question.

CRYSTAL

She's still on?

ROCQUE

I told you! I'll check the website!

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

I'm in the middle of baking a birthday cake and I really need to know kind of RIGHT NOW.

ROCQUE

Why don't you check the web yourself, then? It's INSTANT!

MR. K (v.o.)

Honey, I'm scared. Your mother is scaring me.

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

Maybe you missed this part, but I'm Miss YUKON. That big white space on the map.

MR. K (v.o.)

She's doing that thing with the beads again.

PERPETUA

The rosary?! In our HOUSE?! Thank you, Crystal, it's been wonderful, but I have to go.

ROCQUE

Sure! Leave just when the argument gets INTERESTING.

SUSAN

I can guarantee you there is NO Catholic teaching on the fat content in milk.

ROCQUE

Great. The Susan Personal Guarantee.

SUSAN

Why do your eyes move so much when you talk?

MR. K. (v.o.)

HONEY….

PERPETUA

Coming! Well, my goody-two-shoes friends, perhaps we can continue this mutual degradation at my place sometime. Farewell.

Perpetua leaves.

ROCQUE

Ha! Set foot in your house? Madam, I'd rather see you in—uh—oh, never mind. Goodbye!

ROQCUE rises, walks offstage, and trips.

ROCQUE (o.s.)

Stupid STUPID shoes!

SUSAN

I just want to apologize to all the viewers out there who think this lunacy really represents the American Catholic Church. Because, well…it kinda does.

CRYSTAL

HEY! Thank you for joining us here on THE CATHOLIC PERSPECTIVE, the only show to give you the clear, unbiased Catholic viewpoint on everything from fun to milk—and everything in between! Which doesn't make any sense. Anyway, join us next week for a special Inauguration Day edition which will attempt to explain how Gore managed to take the Catholic vote. That's REAL comedy. Until then, this is Crystal, with THE CATHOLIC PERSPECTIVE!

FADE OUT:

There are a few moments of silence, then…

MISS YUKON (v.o.)

Hello? Hello? This is getting urgent here. I need help! Where's that number for Dial-A-Doctrine? Oh dear. Forget it. I'll just ask Dr. Laura.

There is a click. The dial tone fades.