Spring 1999: The Apprentices in Austria

We had initiated Rolando just in time to completely abandon him as we took off to spend the spring semester studying on the Austrian Campus. (”Studying” would soon turn out to be a euphemism for eating too much Milka, drinking legally—a first for two of us—endangering our lives on a regular basis throughout Europe, and discovering the hard way just how real “Austria Magic” is.) At the precise moment it seemed the household was finally settling down, circumstances (Providence) conspired to send the three of us, together as always, right into the heart of Europe, leaving behind a household which consisted solely of The Apprentice (singular) of St. Joseph. Though we didn’t make contact with Rolando once during the entire semester, we found out later that, as far as household-related activity was concerned, there was no Apprentice household in Steubenville for the Spring ‘99 semester. This was pretty understandable, considering the fact that he was all alone and had only barely been initiated in time to be left to handle things by himself.

What was more embarrassing was that we would have to admit, when we saw him, that we had not really done much in the way of household-related activity on our side of the Atlantic, either. For instance, Lord’s Days are rather difficult when you are in a different country every Saturday. We did have the immortal Dr. Damian Fedoryka give a talk on Catholic Manhood, but this was our only real “household function” the entire semester.

Not that this is a reason to regret this semester in the slightest. Each of us realized as the semester progressed just how much we were growing, both individually and as a group, and so this “non-household” part of our history was just as crucial to forming the Apprentices of St. Joseph as any other.

We lived in a quad with the unforgettable Joe Boctor, and it wasn’t long before we had dubbed ourselves “The Macaroni Club”, simply because we needed a name to sign to our goofy comments on our room check-in sheet. In a way, “The Macaroni Club” was the embodiment of everything that had ever been superficial about our household. It had no real purpose outside of our immediate friendship, and yet everything we did together was a Macaroni function. Given the infinitesimal amount of time we spent doing household-related things, I think that (for me at least) the distinction between being an Apprentice and being Manicotti (my official Macaroni name) was all too often blurred. All these names easily became different ways of expressing that I loved sharing life with my friends, old and new. The problem we Apprentices faced was remembering this distinction, remembering that our Covenant and Apprenticeship were very real gifts which had mysteriously been granted us, and which meant far more than just hanging out or talking about girls. (I mean, ahem, conversing on weighty intellectual matters. Not that the girls we talked about were weighty…never mind.)

Honestly, just about all we did was hang out (in various countries and ridiculous circumstances) and talk about girls. What was really scary was that all three of us broke a long-standing unwritten Apprentice tradition and actually started dating, instead of getting hopelessly tangled in confused uncomfortable “situations”. For those who know us, this was a major step towards maturity, which is the only justifiable excuse I have for bringing it up in the first place. Each of us experienced this “Austria Magic” in our own unique way. Jeff’s relationship lasted less than twenty-four hours, I made it six days into the next semester, and Tomas and Caroline are getting married in August.

If this seems a particularly insensitive way to summarize what were all-important events in our lives at the time, I ought to add that any real explanation of these relationships would entail a book-size digression on the nature of Austria Magic, and what I think was really happening inside us which allowed the Magic to happen, even temporarily. I can only summarize it by noting what Fedoryka’s philosophy classes attempted to instill with his incessant variations of the personalist anthem - “a person must make the gift of self”. This may seem too abstract to mean much, but the concrete applications are truly astounding.

One of the biggest shocks of my entire life was hearing Fedoryka give the only reason a man should ever ask a woman to marry him. “Because I want to make you happy.” I don’t believe I had ever really heard this before in my life, despite the fact that I had helped write something very like it into the original Squires of Sacred Marriage covenant. I am still trying to understand that statement today, because it is true.

Amidst all our adventures (and they were many) that semester, I believe that we Apprentices were constantly learning, whether we realized it or not, all about “the category of the gift” which we heard so much about in class. We had stated a long time ago that to live as an Apprentice meant giving yourself, but now we were spending a whole semester immersed in the experience of both giving and receiving more than we ever had before. The sheer magnificence of Europe itself and the even deeper joy of really sharing it with friends we learned to love were gifts which were so marvelously unmerited that we could only accept them with joy. Yet this reception was only possible if we made the self-gift of frequently sacrificing our personal wishes, comforts, and especially the tendency to complain when things did not go perfectly as planned.

Austria Magic is real simply because Austria shows people at their worst or at their best. It should come as no surprise that boys and girls becoming men and women should notice the new splendors in each other as they grow. If all the relationships we forged didn’t exactly last, the Magic did, because it was really just a whole new level of being an Apprentice and giving ourselves in the way we lived.

Rome was a pivotal time for the household in many ways. It was here that Tomas and Caroline first began holding hands, but that is not really that essential, I guess. I just think it is important to note because, well, they are getting married. I’m sorry but that is still weird to me because it is far too real, and you will have to forgive me if I keep bringing it up. You see, Tomas’ Apprenticeship is almost over—when you “find your vocation”, you become a Journeyman of St. Joseph. Tomas will be our first Journeyman. (Unless Matt Grady reschedules his wedding…but I’m ruining my story…)

I wonder if, back in those covenant-writing days, any of the three of us dreamed St. Joseph would ever take us seriously and start leading us towards real vocations. Personally, I was half sure we would just keep getting disappointed by girls and rewriting the covenant until the nurses in the rest home angrily told us to quit flirting with them. When Tomas really and truly had a girlfriend, like, officially and everything, a little bit of me died. Some self-centered and scared force within me quietly collapsed. I’m not sure how I would have phrased it at the time, but now I see that I was realizing that the manhood thing was for real. Not, of course, that manhood is judged by whether you have a girlfriend or not. (Especially if you’re supposed to be a priest.) But the ability to be in a true relationship with a woman presupposes a maturity and openness and love that I’m not sure any of us possessed before Austria. When Tomas began dating, it really broke the “Apprentice” mold, at least as far as I was concerned, and perhaps I am right because they are getting married, after all. St. Joseph be with them.

Jeff and I followed our Paladin’s noble example, with mixed results. While actually dating a girl for the first time certainly was a momentous event in my own personal development as an Apprentice and just as me, any kind of storytelling diversion here would be shamelessly autobiographical (and slightly embarrassing).

But I can state without going into details that Austria Magic had a monumental role in this whole story. I see now that many of my internal barriers to God’s love which had been crumbling throughout the Austrian semester were finally smashed when one of His beautiful daughters openly glimpsed in me, even briefly, the man whom He created and loves passionately forever no matter what I do. No longer could I hide from Him behind a troubled childhood or a “low self-esteem” which was secretly based on a proud thirst to be perfect or nothing. Trying to deal with the reality of this girl liking me and how this could possibly be happening led me to the heart of my confusion. The fact of the matter was that God loved me and not because of anything I did or could ever do or become. It sounds incredibly trite but it took nineteen long years for that truism to break through my skull and be real to me.

As long as I hid from Him and from myself, I might grow some, but I was ultimately stalling. How could I give myself when I was feverishly clutching at the idea that I wasn’t worth it? I had always wanted to work out my own definition for personal worth which excluded anything but what I had and what I did. Naturally I frequently failed miserably. Somehow being in a relationship destroyed this idea—it was crystal clear that what she saw in me couldn’t possibly be only what’d I’d done, or an appearance I tried to keep up. She saw me, the mysterious gift of myself which I had received without awareness in my mother’s womb and which would never be “enough” until I turned to Him who gave it. Thus came the humble realization that all of us are princes and princesses (whatever our particular endowments) because we are loved by Him and capable of sharing His love with others, even if we were to become a bedridden vegetable. Austria Magic had done its work. I was ready to begin being a real Apprentice, and genuinely respond to His love. We all were.