How to Talk to a Rock

Have you ever talked to a rock? Most rocks are actually very smart, much smarter than your teacher. If you can talk with a rock, you’ll learn more in one hour than you’ll ever learn in school.

Some people think the art of “rock-talking” is impossible. They’re wrong. If you know the secrets that I know, it’s difficult, but it’s not impossible.

Of course, if you tell everyone you’re going to go talk to a rock, some folks will say things like, “But rocks don’t talk!” or “Are you feeling okay?” or “Rocks are only good for eating!” Don’t worry. They’re wrong. Rocks can talk.

But how can you get one to talk to you?

First, here’s some things not to do. Don’t walk up to a strange rock and say things like, “Hey, rock,” or “Would you please help me study fractions, rock?” The rock will frown and not say a word. It may even bite your toe. Rock frowns are hard to notice unless you’re an expert like myself, but rock bites are obvious to anyone!

It’s not that rocks aren’t friendly. Just imagine how you would feel if a huge monster walked up to you and said, “Hey, human. Can you teach me to breathe?” Do you talk to strange creatures that ask dumb questions? Rocks are the same way.

Here’s another tip. Never throw or kick a rock. Imagine. You’re sitting quietly, not bothering anyone. Then, all at once, there’s an awful-smelling humongous monster all around you. Whoosh! You whiz through the air and plop down in some crazy place that’s miles from your home. You’re lost, scared, and angry. Then the monster stomps up and yells, “Hey, human. Teach me how to scratch my head!”

Would you help that monster? Me neither.

Okay. Now that you know what not to do, it’s time for the real secrets. How do you get a rock to talk?

The first and most basic secret of rock-talking is quite simple. Never talk to any rock until another rock introduces you.

Isn’t that easy?

Almost no one ever gets introduced to a rock. That’s why rocks are so quiet around us. They’re just shy.

Of course, maybe you’ve noticed a small problem. “Wait,” you say, “If I can’t talk to a rock until I’m already friends with another rock, how do I ever talk to my first rock?”

Well, ah, if you noticed that, you’re ahead of the game. It took me three years and quite a few long, boring days to realize this problem. Congratulations. You’re a natural.

The hard truth is that you’ll need to find a different way to meet your first rock. Once you’ve made one rock friend, you’ll be a real member of rock society. But to make that happen, you’ll have to get creative. Fortunately, I have another secret.

Think about it. How do you make friends with people? Of course. You do things together.

So here’s the second secret. To make friends with your first rock, politely invite it to join you in an activity that you both enjoy.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Imagine a rock trying to do some of your favorite activities–playing checkers, hiking, eating bananas. Rocks may be smart, but there are many activities that they can’t do.

It’s rude to ask a rock to join you in something it can’t do. The rock may get offended and refuse to say a word. After a few thousand years, it’ll forgive you and might want to talk. Unfortunately, by then you may be dead or you and your family may have moved away.

So what do rocks like to do?

Basically, what rocks like best is to sit where they are. They’re very good at this. They have contests that last millions of years. (This is another reason not to move a rock.)

So here’s the third, biggest secret. Crawl slowly up to a rock and whisper, “May I have the pleasure of sitting with you?” Nine rocks out of ten will be delighted. When rocks are happiest, they can’t speak. If the rock doesn’t talk right away, that’s a good sign.

The rare rock who wants to be left alone will probably be angry. Don’t worry, it won’t yell. When rocks are angriest, they can’t speak. If the rock stays quiet, just move on and try another rock.

Did you notice that a silent rock may be either very happy or very angry? You’ve noticed another reason why so few people take the time to talk to rocks. How can you tell whether a quiet rock is happy or sad?

When I figure that out, I’ll write another article.

In the meantime, if a rock is quiet, hopefully it’s happy and it wants to sit with you. So sit. Don’t move. Rocks don’t move much, and they distrust anything that does. Be still.

You’ll probably have to wait awhile before the rock talks. Remember, rocks live for thousands of years. They don’t mind waiting. Some books say that the average rock won’t talk for at least six hundred years. I think that’s a little long. If you’re very still, your average rock will probably crack a joke after only three or four hundred years. Be patient.

It can be tough. I once sat next to a rock for five whole years. Then a flood washed us apart. That was frustrating. But I haven’t given up. As soon as I finish writing this article, I’m going to walk right out and make friends with a new rock. Why don’t you do the same? You’ll be glad you did!

Oh, and here’s one last tip. I forgot to do this last time. Bring some food.

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